


We'll Never Really Say Goodbye

by Kinngirl



Category: Glee
Genre: Friends to Lovers, Ghosts, Infidelity, M/M, Second Chances, discussion of mental stability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-15
Updated: 2014-05-15
Packaged: 2018-01-24 00:54:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1585715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kinngirl/pseuds/Kinngirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Kurt accepts Blaine’s proposal, he thinks his life is finally back on track. But his brother’s sudden death throws Kurt into a tailspin. Everything in his life starts to fall apart as he is haunted by the ghost of his brother. When Blaine begins to complain that he can’t compete against a ghost and suggests they postpone the engagement and wedding, Kurt is crushed. Feeling the need to confess to someone that he honestly believes he sees, hears, talks to Finn, Kurt takes off in search of Finn’s best friend, Noah ‘Puck’ Puckerman. If anyone is going to believe him, maybe it is Puck. Or at the very least, Puck is going to tell him he’s lost his fucking mind. Kurt’s salvation comes in an unorthodox manner and unlikely form.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We'll Never Really Say Goodbye

my thank you's to my artist ravingliberal for my fanmix and the awesome graphics.

Also thank you to my real life friend Lady H for cheering me on and being my beta.

Part of the Kurt OT3 Bang 2014

[Link to Fanmix](https://www.dropbox.com/sh/jho084a7we28hgx/AAD1RdL1_6-Unp_zTPlGSOS4a?dl=0) for We'll Never Really Say Goodbye

[Link to graphics](https://www.dropbox.com/sh/b3dimfr19pv7gkf/AAB0aqAnVEWnkkC1_Wg5ksfta?dl=0)

 

If Kurt is honest with himself, he never expected Mr and Mrs Anderson to be as accepting of the engagement as they have been. Not only because Kurt and Blaine are terribly young, Blaine is still in high school after all, but also while the Anderson’s were accepting of their son's’ sexual orientation, they never seemed comfortable with it and less so with Kurt as Blaine’s boyfriend. And now, here is Kurt, Blaine’s  fiancé, a beautifully etched band adorning his ring finger, standing in the massive Anderson house, their engagement party in full swing around them.

 

“I hoped you would like the ring, I just never expected you to be constantly looking at it,” Blaine teases as he slips his arms around Kurt from behind and rests his chin on Kurt’s shoulder.

 

“It’s perfect.” Kurt turns and presses a kiss to Blaine’s cheek. He holds Blaine’s arms against his body. “The party is going well; I’m kind of stunned to be honest.”

 

Kurt feels Blaine shrug behind him. “Every day that passes, I am a day closer to graduating and leaving. Cooper hardly comes home, mostly because Mom and Dad never really supported and approved of his choices after high school. I can’t help but think; they’re trying to learn from that.”

 

“They have been much more accepting of the engagement than I thought they would be,” Kurt says.

 

Blaine laughs, their bodies jostling together. “I’m not going to look that gift horse in the mouth, but you’re right. They haven’t said a single negative thing to me about it.”

 

“It’s still early,” Kurt says. “We’ve only been engaged a couple of days.” Kurt looks around and sees Cooper having what looks to be an impersonation competition with Sam. “Speaking of it only being early, and Cooper; have you thought about who is going to be your best man?”

 

Blaine turns Kurt around in his arms, tilts Kurt’s head down, so their foreheads are resting against each other. “I’ve kind of already promised it to Sam. I assume you’ll choose Finn.”

 

Kurt nods. “I haven’t asked him yet, but yes. Even if he didn’t choose me when he was going to marry Rachel.”

 

“If I remember correctly, you were completely against that wedding,” Blaine chuckles.

 

“Of course I was,” Kurt says. “Look at them now. They’re not even together. It was a HUGE mistake.”

 

“Everyone should just listen to you and your infinite wisdom,” Blaine says softly. “But if you’re picking Finn, I feel like a heel not picking or including Cooper. And I almost think I should have at least one Warbler too.”

 

“Not Sebastian,” Kurt says quickly.

 

Blaine shakes his head. “Not Sebastian. So that puts me at three. Who else would you choose?”

 

“If you have three guys, and I have Finn, do I need to pick two more guys to keep it even?” Kurt asks. “Will it be weird if I pick girls?”

 

“I don’t know,” Blaine shrugs. “If you had to pick guys, who would you pick?”

 

“That’s kind of my point,” Kurt says. “I don’t know who I would pick. I’d rather have Mercedes and Rachel up there with me. But it would be uneven.”

 

“I could pick a girl, Tina, to help balance things,” Blaine suggests.

 

“Tina?” Kurt asks, his eyes wide. “Tina instead of a Warbler?”

 

“I was thinking Tina in addition to Sam, Cooper and either Trent or Wes,” Blaine says.

 

“Oh,” Kurt replies. “I guess I could ask Santana, to even things out. That’s four attendants each though.”

 

“So?” Blaine asks.

 

“It’s not exactly small,” Kurt says.

 

“Who ever said it had to be?” Blaine asks, smiling at Kurt.

 

Kurt returns the smile and ducks his head to rest it on Blaine’s shoulder.

 

“This party is supposed to be to celebrate the two of you, and to let people congratulate you,” Sam says as he steps over and puts a hand on Blaine’s other shoulder. “But like this, the two of you tend to give off a rather, do not disturb vibe.”

 

Blaine laughs. “Sorry, we were ironing out a couple of wedding details.”

 

“Already?” Sam asks. “I thought you guys were waiting.”

 

“We are,” Kurt agrees. “We just wanted to make sure we were on the same page on a few things.”

 

“Cool,” Sam says, clapping his hands together. “As best man do I get insider details?”

 

Kurt pulls his head from Blaine’s shoulder. “I’m going to go find us something to drink ok? And you can fill Sam in with the wedding details.”

 

Blaine winks at Kurt. “See you in a bit.”

 

 

Kurt slips into the kitchen almost unnoticed and back towards the huge cold room where he knows bottles of Blaine’s favorite cider are stored. The door isn’t closed quite all the way, which is bizarre, and as Kurt gets closer he can hear sounds from inside; breathy little moans and groans. Kurt eyes the cold room, wondering who is in there.

 

“You know it drives me crazy when you do that,” Kurt hears, and he stops in his tracks. Because that voice could only belong to one person; Finn. And if someone is doing something that is driving Finn crazy, Kurt would be willing to place money on the other person in the cold room being Rachel. Kurt looks around, wondering if he can find some cider elsewhere. But the next lust-filled voice Kurt hears, “I know what you like,” is decidedly not Rachel, is male and isn’t Finn. Kurt can’t help himself; he slips in past the slightly open door and gropes the wall for the light switch.

 

“Shit!” Finn exclaims as light floods the small space.

 

Kurt feels the huge gasp of breath that leaves his lungs as his eyes adjust to the brightness. His eyes go wide when they focus in on Finn, pushed up against the wall by Puck, standing much closer than two friends normally would. In fact, one of Finn’s legs is pressed up between Puck’s and his hands are on Puck’s ass. Almost as if he feels Kurt’s eyes on his hands, Finn lets go of Puck and holds his hands up in the air. Kurt watches as Puck falls forward, his head laying against Finn’s shoulder, his mouth twists into a smirk.

 

“What the hell Finn?” Kurt shrieks.

 

“Kurt,” Finn says softly as if talking to a small child.

 

“No! No, no, no. You don’t get to talk. Only I get to talk.” Kurt shakes his head back and forth, wagging a finger at Finn and Puck. “You don’t get to try to explain this away. I can’t believe you’d do this to me!”

 

“I don’t, I don’t really know what I did Kurt,” Finn says sheepishly. “What do you want me to say?”

 

“You didn’t even tell me,” Kurt says. “This is my engagement party. This should be one of the happiest moments of my life. And instead do you know what I’m going always to remember? I’m going to remember how I found my brother hooking up with his best friend in the cold room!” Kurt stalks over to Puck and Finn glaring at them. “If this is a real something between the two of you, you should have told me. If this is just a hook up, you shouldn’t have done it.” Kurt turns around and walks towards the door again, turning to look at them one last time, his voice suddenly softer. “Tonight of all nights. It’s supposed to be my night, mine and Blaine’s. Not yours. You don’t get to have it. The two of you don’t get to take this away from me.”

 

“You’re not mad at me for not telling you about me and Puck,” Finn says, shaking his head. Finn gently pushes Puck off of him and walks over towards where Kurt is. “You’re mad at me for being with a guy that isn’t you.”

 

Kurt looks up at Finn, his eyes narrowing into little slits. “Oh, grow up Finn! This really isn’t about you and some silly crush I had on you.” Kurt storms out of the cold room, all thoughts of Blaine’s apple juice long forgotten.

 

“Kurt, wait please,” Finn calls as he runs out after him.

 

Kurt stops and turns around, looking up at Finn with wet eyes. “I’m not sure I really want to talk to you right now.”

 

“I know, I’m sorry ok,” Finn says.

 

Kurt looks around, spying the door to the garage and pulls Finn along with him. “Out here. The last thing we need is anyone else to overhear us talking about what I just saw.”

 

Finn just nods. “Look. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell you; I just wasn’t sure how. And this thing between me and Puck, it’s not just hooking up, but it’s still kind of newish.”

 

“Just imagine if it had been someone else and not me that had caught you guys in there,” Kurt says. “This is mine and Blaine’s engagement party, is it too much to ask that people be interested in us? Because if any of our friends or Dad or Carole found you guys, tonight would have become the Finn and Puck show.” Kurt pouts; he’s not proud of it, but he knows it’s true.

 

“I guess we didn’t really think about that,” Finn admits. “We’re still you know, in that ‘new’ phase and sometimes can’t keep things under control.” He grins at Kurt.

 

Kurt rolls his eyes. “Spare me the details.”

 

“C’mon Kurt,” Finn pleads. “You can’t seriously be this mad at me about this.”

 

“I can, and I am,” Kurt says. “You’re effectively ruining a very special night for me.”

 

“A special night for you and Blaine, you mean,” Finn says.  

 

“Blaine’s night didn’t just get ruined,” Kurt says.  “I’m not going to tell him about this.  And neither are you!”  Kurt points his finger into Finn’s chest.  He glares at Finn for a moment before he turns away from Finn muttering.  “So much for things going along smoothly.”

 

“What was that?” Finn asks.

 

“Nothing,” Kurt says shaking his head.  “I just don’t know why I ever thought something in my life might go smoothly.  It’s like I’m always just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Plop!”

 

“I’m not sure I understand Kurt,” Finn says.  “To me it looks like for the most part your life is going pretty good.  You’re at NYADA now; you and Blaine are not only together, but you’re engaged.  The two of you will soon be in a state that allows the two of you to get married.”

 

Kurt makes a sound that is a weird cross between a chuckle and a sob.  “Yeah, everything is great.  I am at NYADA, but I feel like I’m behind after missing a semester.”   Kurt leans up against the Lexes Mrs. Anderson drives.  “Do you know what people say about me at that school, about how I got in?  Aside from Rachel, no one there knows how great my first audition was.  No one knows I made it to the finalist level before.  They only know I didn’t get in before.”

 

“That’s bullshit Kurt,” Finn says, a flash of anger in his voice.  “You wouldn’t be there if you weren’t talented enough.  I know you’d always kind of hoped college would be different from high school, and I wish it were for you.”  Finn walks over a little closer to Kurt.  “But don’t doubt why you’re there.  I mean, when I think back to all of us opening our letters in the choir room that day at the end of senior year, I was more shocked that you didn’t get in than I was that Rachel did.”  

 

Kurt sighs, “I know you’re right.  But yes, I just wanted it to be different.  I was hoping I wouldn’t be such a stand out at a school like this.”

 

“Isn’t it a good thing though, to be original and to stand out, especially as an actor?”  Finn asks.  “And I’m sorry Kurt, but I think you’re always going to stand out, no matter where you are, in all the best ways of course.”  He grins as Kurt.

 

Kurt can’t help but smile back a little.  “Naturally.”  Kurt sighs, as he stands up and moves back towards the door to the garage, anxious to get back to the party.  “Blaine and I are back together, but that’s  hardly the same as still being together.  We’re engaged, and I’m hoping this time Blaine will feel secure enough while we’re in separate places to stay faithful.  And yes, soon we’ll soon be in New York together and at least New York is somewhere we can legally get married.”

 

“Kurt,” Finn says, his eyes narrowing into slits. “Are you sure that this is what you really want? That you’re really in love with Blaine?”

 

“Of course I am!” Kurt exclaims loudly, clearly losing any patience he has with Finn at the moment. “How can you even ask me that?”

 

Finn shrugs. “You just made it sound like you’re only engaged to try to keep him from cheating.  You don’t think he’d cheat on you again do you?  ‘Cause if you do, you really shouldn’t get back together.”  Finn exhales loudly.  “It also seems really sudden if I’m being honest. And you guys are so young. I know from first hand experience that things don’t always work out no matter how much you want it to.”

 

“I can’t believe this,” Kurt says quietly. “How the hell are you supposed to be my best man when you don’t even think this is going to work?”

 

“You want me to be your best man?” Finn asks, swallowing a sudden, large lump in his throat.

 

“Of course I do,” Kurt says. “You’re my brother, and no matter how much I might hate you at the moment, I do actually love you.”

 

Finn smiles at Kurt and holds his arms out for a hug. “I can do it Kurt. If you’re sure, I’m sure. I’d do anything for you because you are my brother.”

 

Kurt shakes his head, stepping away from Finn. “Good, then just stay away from me for the rest of the night and let me enjoy this.”

 

 

“Are you always going to run after Kurt?” Puck asks when Finn finds him, standing by a table full of food.

 

“What?” Finn is obviously confused.  

 

“Look, I know, you’re brothers, you’re friends,” Puck explains.  “And he was upset. But, is this how it’s always going to be?”

        

“Is this how what’s always going to be?  I don’t even know what you’re asking me here Puck.”

 

Puck grabs Finn by the arm and leads them to a corner away from the majority of the eyes and ears of the party.  “This, whatever this is between us, it’s new.  But it’s good.  At least I think it’s good.”

 

“It is good,” Finn nods.  “It’s really good Puck.  Almost like it was something that was supposed to happen.”

 

“Exactly,” Puck says.  “But people might say the same thing about you and Kurt though.  And I can’t help but wonder, why are you with me?”

 

Finn’s eyes widen slightly, and he opens his mouth a couple of times, but then shuts it again before he says anything.  “I like you, you’re my best friend.  And the kissing and fooling around, that’s good too.”

 

Puck smirks at Finn then.  “Of course, what else would you expect?.”

 

“Honestly, not this,” Finn says,  his eyes crinkling a little in the corner with a wide smile he gives Puck.

 

“I’m not just a placeholder for Kurt though right?” Puck asks.  He hates how whiney he sounds,  but the thing is he’s already lost Finn’s friendship once, and he doesn’t want to do it again.  But even worse now, is the thought of losing what they currently have going on.

 

“What?! No, Puck, that makes no sense.  Besides, Kurt is marrying Blaine.”

 

“And you don’t want to stop the wedding and run off with Kurt?”  Puck asks.

 

Finn exhales loudly and shakes his head.  He reaches out and puts his hands on Puck’s shoulders, gripping them just this side of too hard.  “I’m not going to run off with Kurt.  In fact, we need some time to cool down and for him to get over what happened earlier.”  Finn leans in, and to anyone else, it might have looked like Finn was just whispering something to Puck, but Puck feels Finn’s lips ghost over the skin of his neck, just behind and below his ear.  “Let’s go back to the dorm.  This party is getting kind of boring, and I’m ready for a private party for two.”

 

Puck pushes Finn away and shakes his head.  “No.  It’s going to look weird if leave, especially together.”  Puck looks at Finn, takes in his flushed face, his silly little half smile, and considers what Finn had just said.  “Why do you and Kurt need to cool down?  What happened exactly between the two of you?”

 

“What?” Finn chuckles, although it sounds a little strained to Puck.  “We fought some more, he asked me to be his best man, I asked him if he was sure he wanted to marry Blaine, he kinda hates me but loves me at ….”

 

“You asked him if he’s sure he wants to marry Blaine?” Puck asks, cutting Finn off and glaring at him a little.  “Who do you think he should marry instead Finn?  You?”  Puck starts to walk away from Finn but because he has longer legs, Finn can catch up quickly.  

 

“No Dude.  Puck, come on, it’s not like that,” Finn attempts to explain.  “Let’s just go back to our room?  Kurt told me to stay away from him from the rest of the night.”

 

Puck shakes his head.  “I’m not leaving.  Maybe you should stay away from me for the rest of the night too.”

 

Finn stops and sighs dejectedly.  “Ok.  I’ll see you later though right?  Back at the room?”

 

Puck doesn’t answer, instead walking as quickly as he could over to where Sam and Artie were laughing about something with Mercedes and Brittany.

 

 

The next thing Finn knows he’s somewhere, although he’s not quite sure where, and it feels like he’s watching his friends and family’s lives play out on a stage.  He feels  like he is just kind of floating everywhere for a couple of days in some sort of strange limbo.  Finn feels like he doesn’t even have control of over his own body; although he can talk and can hear his friends, they can’t seem to hear him.  They can’t seem to see him either.  And the closer he tries to get to them, the further they seem to get from him.  

 

He is aware of bits and pieces of things though. For instance, everyone seems grieving someone, and Finn thinks it might actually be him.  That fact alone  is too much and yet not enough at the same time. He doesn’t really understand what is going on, other than he is obviously dead, he never seems able to stay with any one person for too long. It’s like every time he closes his eyes to escape their grief and pain, and when he opens them again, he is somewhere else. At first, Finn feels like he is being pulled in about a million different directions since his friends are scattered from Los Angeles to New York and seemingly everywhere in between.

 

When it comes time for the funeral though, it is both easy and hard at the same time. It’s easy because almost everyone is in Lima and Finn doesn’t feel the strong pull of any one person. However, everyone is more emotional, and it’s hard for Finn to see them all this way. He doesn’t pay attention to what anyone says during the service because Finn knows that people will say good things about you at your funeral even if they didn’t really like you, and especially, as is the case with him, if you die tragically or too young. Instead, Finn opts to stay outside the church, near the windows so he can see everyone, but not hear them. The burial though, is another matter altogether. There is a casket and a grave, but Finn knows that his mom had him cremated too- like his dad. And now he’s in a matching urn, both of them sitting on a shelf in his old bedroom. Finn can feel the toll of the day on everyone, on himself even. He wishes he could reach out and hug them; every single one of them and say good bye. That is his biggest regret but Finn supposes most people in his situation would also feel that way.

 

He stands in the middle of the crowd, actually sharing space with Tina and Mike when he feels something brush his fingers. It’s the first something he’s felt in days, and instinctively his hand reaches out to grab whatever it is. Finn looks down at his hand, but there is nothing there, in fact, the way his hand is, and where he is standing, it almost looks like he’s groping Tina’s waist. He feels embarrassed and shakes his head, looking around but of course no one is looking at him, but that is when he notices Kurt is now holding Blaine’s hand when he wasn’t just a few minutes ago. Finn smiles softly, glad that at least Kurt has someone to get through this with, even if the sudden engagement had left Finn feeling uneasy. He can hear Kurt’s voice, whisper soft in his ear. ‘I don’t understand how this could have happened. If there is a God, why does he insist on punishing me this way, taking away people I love, not letting me enjoy the good things that may come my way.’ Finn watches Kurt look over at Blaine with wet eyes and a sad half smile and Blaine carefully dabs at Kurt’s eyes and cheeks with a handkerchief. It’s a tender and intimate moment between the two of them, so Finn looks away.

 

He looks over to Rachel, who is standing with her fathers and Santana. Finn knows Rachel is strong; she will get through this. It will make her even more driven and determined if that is at all possible. Finn hopes Santana will be compassionate though, because if nothing else Rachel will need someone to lean on. While it might seem like Kurt and Rachel should be sharing this- their grief, together, Finn knows they won’t; each opting instead to be strong for the other. Santana’s own grief is a little startling for Finn, but he is at least a little glad the girl he lost his virginity to is moderately saddened by his death even if she had few kind words for him during their rocky years of quasi-friendship.

 

Finn shivers as he feels something again, this time across his neck and around to his shoulder. Finn turns to look at Mike beside him, half expecting Mike to have slung an arm across his ghostly shoulders. But Mike is still standing stock still, with his hands clasped in front of him. Finn turns his head, just kind of looking to see if anyone has their arm across someone else’s shoulder when he spots Puck with Sam. Sam has his arm across Puck’s shoulders and is squeezing his upper arm just slightly. Looking at Puck is like tuning a radio station; the more he looks, the clearer the reception. Puck’s voice is louder than Kurt’s in Finn’s head. He’s almost screaming. ‘What the Fuck, Dude? Why did you leave the stupid party.?  Why didn’t you stay?  Why didn’t I go with you? This is just a stupid dream. Wake up! Wake Up! WAKE UP! What am I supposed to do with you?’

 

Finn turns away, not wanting to hear Puck beat himself up anymore. Finn thinks it is silly, that of everyone, Puck might be who he is the most concerned about. Their friendship has been that one constant in their lives for over a decade, minus a half a dozen rocky months during the baby fiasco.  But now, adding in the relationship they’d barely started but felt realer than any Finn had ever known before, and who knows what kind of a loose canon Puck might be without him.  The last time their relationship, their friendship, had disappeared, Puck had ended up in Juvie.   Finn shudders at the thought.

 

After the funeral, things are kind of quiet and dark, and Finn has no idea how much time has passed, if any. He’s not sure if he really believed in an afterlife before, but if he did, this isn’t how he imagined it. For one thing, he’s alone. He would have thought there would be others with him; that maybe he’d get to see his father. It’s the only possible bright spot. No matter how he might have died, Christopher Hudson is still Finn’s father and Finn has spent his short lifetime wishing he had known the man. Finn can’t help but wonder if this is another thing he has fucked up; like the incident with Kurt in the basement, proposing to Rachel, or shooting himself in the leg.

 

While Finn is rehashing his mistakes, Finn begins to feel an abundance of emotions pulling him towards a light of sorts and many voices. He closes his eyes for a second, to focus his thoughts, and when he opens his eyes again he’s sitting in the McKinley auditorium. The newest of the New Directions are on stage, and they begin to sing. Finn recognizes the song; Lord knows he’d heard it enough from Rachel and Kurt both. While Finn notices the dark and sombre mood, it isn’t until Puck, Mercedes, Mike, Santana and Kurt all appear on the stage that Finn realizes they are singing this to him. Not to him sitting there, because he is pretty sure they can’t see him, but rather, for him, to memorialize him. As they near the end of the song, Finn can no longer stand to hear all of their voices singing in harmony without him, can’t stand to see the looks on their faces, so he closes his eyes and puts his hands over his ears in an effort to block it out.

 

Over what Finn thinks is the next couple of days, Finn finds himself in various places at McKinley, eavesdropping of sorts on his former friends. He’s shocked when Santana calls Sue out on she had treated Finn, but even more so by Sue’s kind words. He supposes it might have something to do with how he and Kurt stepped up when her sister passed away. But whatever the case, Finn feels a strange sense of pride that Sue thought that much of him, that she’d be teaching alongside of him for thirty years. The memorial/shrine in the hallway is touching but Finn hates looking at it. He doesn’t think it will help anyone to have it there as a constant reminder. It’s not like you can avoid a hallway when things are too much. Finn spends quite a bit of time in the choir room. He doesn’t mind the songs, even the sad ones about him, for him, but it does make him miss his friends.

 

Finn can’t help but think it’s weird to not see someone sitting behind the drums- so he moves over there for a while, ghosting his fingers over the drums and cymbals. When Puck starts to sing an old Springsteen classic and focuses on an empty chair, Finn moves from the drum to the chair. He shivers with the intensity of Puck’s gaze. If Finn didn’t know any better, he’d think Puck can actually see him sitting there. And Finn would be lying if he said he didn’t miss the way Rachel’s whole being lights up when she performs. Even through her obvious sadness and distress, and Finn feels like shit for having caused all of this, Rachel still shines, still draws everyone in around her. Like any other time in the choir room, Finn can’t pull his eyes off of her. When she finishes, Finn goes up to give her a hug, stopping just short when he realizes he can’t; not really.

 

Finn is surprised that Kurt doesn’t sing. He just sits in the choir room; a sad, watery smile on his face; his eyes constantly wet with tears. Even more surprising, Finn thinks, is how Blaine is not constantly by Kurt’s side. Sometimes Kurt sits alone, sometimes curled in on himself, sometimes stretched out; a stark reminder to Finn that Kurt is no longer the boy that hatched a plan to set their parents up in hopes they would spend more time together as well. It’s not a conscious decision, Finn knows, but for the most part, when Finn thinks of Kurt, and Finn doesn’t like to admit how often or why, he pictures early sophomore year Kurt in his head. Football kicker Kurt, he calls him. The hurt in Kurt’s eyes though, it pierces Finn deeply. It’s different than the hurt Finn had caused before, in the basement. At that time, it was a look of destruction; Finn having pretty much shattered the pedestal Kurt had put him upon. But now, that haunted look in Kurt’s eyes; Finn knows it is heartbreak. Their past aside, there is no doubt, to Finn, and he hopes to Kurt as well, that the now brothers, do, in fact, love each other. It’s becoming too overwhelming for Finn again, and he closes his eyes against it all. “Someone, please help me,” Finn cries into the darkness.

 

 

More darkness and who knows how much time- Finn finally sees someone like himself. He’s startled for a moment, wondering who this stranger is and why he’s in Finn’s old bedroom with Burt, Carole, and Kurt. Finn steps between them protectively.

 

“Don’t worry, they can’t see me, just like they can’t see you,” the man says. “I’m here for you, to help you; not them.”

 

Although he looks familiar but the voice is not one Finn knows. But the heartbroken look on the man’s face as he looks at Finn’s mom, whispering her name softly, Finn makes the connection.

 

“Dad?”

 

The man nods a small smile on his face. “Hi Finn.”

 

Finn blinks furiously trying to keep the seemingly never ending tears at bay. His father is standing right in front of him. He reaches out but pauses. “Can I touch you?” he whispers.

 

The man nods as Finn reaches out and grips the man’s shoulder before crumpling against him sobbing. “This isn’t what I expected,” Finn sighs. “I don’t really know what I expected, but this isn’t it.”

 

Christopher shakes his head. “This isn’t really what it’s like either. And I’m sorry you’ve been alone.”

 

Finn turns and watches as his family sorts through his personal items.

 

Christopher laughs as Kurt holds up the football. “He’s always going to idolize you.”

 

Finn laughs sadly. “I have no idea why. If anything, I should be the one admiring him, idolizing him,” Finn shrugs. “I do, actually.”

 

Christopher looks over as Kurt picks up Finn’s jacket and puts it on. He laughs as he nudges his son. “Look at him, in your jacket.”

 

“It makes him look so tiny again,” Finn says in awe.

 

“It looks good on him,” Christopher counters.

 

Finn stares at his father for a moment.

 

“What?” Christopher deadpans. “Red’s his color right?”

 

“Oh God!” Finn exclaims. “Dad!” He can feel his face burning in embarrassment.

 

Finn looks away, focusing instead on the people in front of them. “I hate how sad she is. How sad I’ve made her,” Finn says as he looks at his mom. “I kind of can’t even stand it you know. I try to avoid her, when I can.”

 

“You do realize it’s not your fault right?” Christopher asks.

 

Finn shakes his head. “I don’t know, I still feel responsible somehow.”

 

“Even if it was your fault,” Christopher starts, “she’d still love you. She’ll always love you.”

 

“I know,” Finn says softly as he watches Kurt and Burt move to hug Carole. “I’ll always love her too.”

 

“You can go over and hug them,” Christopher suggests. “They won’t feel it, and you really need to focus your energy on feeling them, but you should be able to.”

 

Finn moves quickly, shuffling in behind his mother, wrapping his long arms almost all the way around them. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I love you, all of you. Never forget that.”

 

Finn stands up, attempting to focus and kissing his mother on the forehead and then moving to do the same to both Burt and Kurt. Finn lets the tears slip from his eyes, dripping down his cheeks and landing on Kurt’s face. Finn freezes when Kurt seems to reach up and wipe at the tears he shouldn’t feel. His eyes widening when he pulls away; noticing Kurt visibly shiver and glance around the room.

 

Finn rushes back over to his father. “What was that?” he asks

 

Christopher shrugs as he shakes his head. “I don’t know. He shouldn’t have felt anything; he shouldn’t be able to feel you.”

 

“But it looked like he did right?” Finn says. “I mean, that’s how it seemed to me.”

 

“No, you’re right,” Christopher nods. “That is what it seemed like.”

 

Finn walks back over to Kurt, who is standing up again. He puts his hands on Kurt’s shoulders and tries to turn the smaller boy around. “Kurt, Kurt look at me.”

 

Kurt spins around in Finn’s arms and seems to look up at Finn for a moment.

 

“Look!” Finn hisses at his father.

 

“Can I have that photo and program too?” Kurt asks Carole, pointing to a cast photo and program from Grease.

 

“Sure, honey,” Carole says softly. “You can have whatever you want of Finn’s.”

 

Kurt steps partially through Finn, partially around him, and over to the bulletin board above his desk to take down the requested items.

 

Finn gasps loudly. “Ok, that was weird. Does it always feel that weird when they pass through you?”

 

“Um, no?” Christopher says. He steps in front of Kurt, and Kurt steps right through him. “Didn’t feel a thing. What did it feel like?”

 

“Pressure,” Finn says after a few moments of consideration. “It felt like something was putting a lot of pressure on me, especially that side of my body. And then as quickly as it comes on, it’s gone.”

 

“I’ll ask around,” Christopher says to his son. “See if anyone else has ever experienced what you’ve been experiencing. And why it’s been like this for you.”

 

“Thanks Dad,” Finn says as he lets his eyes slip shut again, knowing that he’ll probably be somewhere else the next time he opens them.

 

 

The next day, Finn watches Kurt walk through the halls at McKinley in Finn’s letterman jacket.  Finn thinks in a lot of ways; it was Kurt who saved him, not physically of course, but Kurt made a lot of things Finn didn’t think were possible, possible.  Like Finn had said at their parents wedding, Kurt taught Finn what it meant to be a man, a good man especially.  Finn follows Kurt outside and realizes they are standing at the dumpster.  The one they used to throw kids, kids like Kurt, into.  Kurt is watching as some underclassmen paint various things all over the dumpster, things about Finn.  

 

Finn smiles when Puck arrives and walks over to Kurt.  But when they begin to fight over the jacket, all Finn wants to do is close his eyes and disappear again.  

 

“Hand over the jacket Kurt,” Puck demands.  

 

Kurt looks at Puck; his arms crossed defensively against his chest.  “Not going to happen Puckerman.”

 

“C’mon, I’ll pay you for it,” Puck says.  Finn watches as Puck reaches for his wallet.  “What do you want for it?”

 

“What do I want for it?” Kurt asks laughing bitterly.  “I want my brother back.”

 

Puck exhales loudly.  “You think I don’t want that too?  You don’t think I want him back?”

 

“I’m not giving you his jacket, Puck,” Kurt says.  He raises his chin defiantly, the same way sophomore Kurt would just before they’d toss him in the dumpster.  

 

“You’ve got a room full of his things Kurt, to remember him by,” Puck reasons.  “I’ve got nothing.  Nothing but a dozen or so years of friendship and a couple of really great weeks at the end.”

 

Kurt huffs and glares at Puck.  Finn hopes Kurt isn’t still upset about that.  

 

“Carole was going to donate it,” Kurt says.  “I rescued it from the donate pile Puck.  I’m the one that cared about making sure it stayed with someone he loved.  I’m sure if you come over and ask Carole, she’ll let you choose something, or things even.  Of course, she’s not likely to understand your new relationship with her son.”

 

Puck rolls his eyes.  “I was still his best friend for almost his whole life Kurt.  Carole was like a mom to me long before she became your step-mom.”

 

Kurt turns to look at Puck square in the face, his hands on his hips.  “Don’t you get it Puck?  Why I want this jacket?  How did everyone at this school see him?  Did they see him as your best friend?  Did they see him as my brother?”

 

Puck stares as Kurt, not understanding his point.  

 

“He was this jacket; he was the Quarterback,” Kurt says simply.  “Except every time I saw him coming down the hallway in this thing, he was like my knight in red and leather armour, not that he ever knew it..  Seeing him in the halls, I suddenly felt a little safer.”  Kurt takes a step towards Puck, the heels on his boots making him an inch or two taller than him.  “He was wearing this that first time you checked me into the locker and he chastised you for it.  And then he turned around and looked at me and gave me one of his goofy little half grins.”  Kurt turns back around and watches the kids at the dumpster.  “You can’t have it Puck.”

 

Finn follows Puck as he walks away from Kurt, looking sad and dejected.  He follows Puck through the halls of McKinley.  Puck stops at Finn’s old locker, where Finn’s old locker combination is still etched into the top lip of the door.  Few people were as tall as Finn and without the dashes, the numbers might not mean anything, but it had been Puck’s suggestion early in Freshman year when Finn kept forgetting it.  Finn watches as Puck runs his fingers along the top and says the numbers softly to himself. When Puck walks into the choir room and sits down, staring at the now empty drum kit, Finn sits down beside him.  

 

At first, Finn thinks the craziest thing is Santana wanting to sing something in his memory, because to look at their relationship with outside eyes, they are barely friends.  But deep down, Finn knows that, through all the crap they’ve put each other through, Santana is someone special to him.  Part of it is that connection the original Glee club members have with each other; and part of it is because of their history.  It might not be something either of them likes to talk about, but nothing can erase that part of their past.  Doing that, sharing his first time with Santana, had irrevocably twisted the two of them together, at least in Finn’s eyes.  When Santana breaks down mid-song though and runs from the room, Finn knows he has no choice but to follow her.  

 

Finn watches as Kurt comes into the auditorium too.  They way he strides down the stairs, with purpose, the way he stands tall; Finn sees how much having the jacket actually gives Kurt.  This is Kurt being the leader, being the strong one, and Finn is infinitely proud of his brother.  Kurt sits down next to Santana on the edge of the stage and the two talk in hushed tones about him. Santana admits that she wanted to say nice things about Finn but that it embarrasses her to think of how she treated him.  Kurt convinces Santana to share some of them with him, commenting on how Finn obviously thought there had to be some good in her because otherwise he wouldn’t have cared.  Finn watches with wet eyes as Kurt drapes the jacket over Santana’s shoulders.  He doesn’t understand why Kurt would give up his jacket to Santana and not to Puck, but he wonders if he wouldn’t have done the same thing in Kurt’s place.

 

Finn wishes there was something, anything, he could give to Puck though.  Because it’s not right that his best friend, and the guy he was sleeping with, gets left with nothing.  Maybe if people had known about them, then someone would have made sure Puck got something too, maybe they would be making sure Puck was dealing with this.  But it’s a hard lesson learned- sometimes you don’t get a chance to put things in order; sometimes there is no chance to get things right.  Sometimes we’ll never really say goodbye.  

 

When the jacket goes missing again though, and Santana storms into the choir room because the jacket is missing, Finn feels like he is going to be sick.  The feeling only intensifies as everyone blames Puck for stealing the jacket, but Finn knows it wouldn’t have been Puck.  Every single one of them in that choir room has changed in their three years spent together and even in the time from then to now- but everyone is quick to assess Puck as nothing more than the dumpster tossing hoodlum he was sophomore year.  Finn has his own suspects as to who has taken his jacket,  but it’s not like he can really tell anyone.    

 

 

When Finn watches Puck talk to Coach Bieste about joining the air force, he is partially worried, partially proud. He can understand Puck’s reasoning; it’s very similar to Finn’s own reasoning when he joined the Army. Finn isn’t surprised to find his father is there with him again.

 

“I know he’s always kind of counted on me to be there,” Finn says to his father’s ghost, “to lead him, to guide him. How am I suppose to do that now?”

 

“If it’s what you’re supposed to do, you’ll figure it out,” Christopher Hudson says cryptically.

 

“I know everyone was really worried when I wanted to join the army, but I didn’t understand it. The most important part for me was to try to make a difference for you, to make you proud. But now, with Puck wanting to join the airforce, I get how everyone else felt. I’m so afraid for him. But I’m kind of proud of him, too.” Finn smiles at his father. “Just the fact that he’d want to do something to make me proud. I mean, it’s not something he has to do. I’m already proud of him. Graduating high school, letting Beth have a better life, stopping that ridiculous pool cleaning bit.” Finn watches as Puck drives away on a motorcycle. “Realizing he matters; that’s all I ever wanted for him.”

 

Christopher nods. “And if he finds someone and settles down. Is that what you want for him too?”

 

Finn screws up his face and looks at his father. “I guess so. I mean; that hardly sounds like Puck to be honest. I could almost see him going through life without really doing that. Sure, he might date from time to time, but Puck has never been the type to be the one to settle down. People mostly just come and go through his life.”

 

“Except you,” Christopher says pointedly.

 

Finn feels his cheeks flush. “Yeah, but I’m his best friend. Everything else is second to that. And I know him, I know what he’s like. I have, I had, no illusions.” Finn closes his eyes against the intense look his father is giving him.

 

 

When Finn opens his eyes again, he hears sobbing, crying. He hears someone saying his name, and when he blinks through the darkness he is in a crappy studio apartment with Puck. Puck is crying Finn’s name over and over. Finn tries to look away, tries not to stare. But Puck looks, and Finn thinks the only word that could describe it is sexy. He is sprawled across the bed, wearing an old McKinley jersey, his jeans open and pushed down slightly, his hand around himself, eyes closed, but tears are still tumbling down, and Finn’s name passing his lips through a mess of sobs and moans.

 

“I’m so sorry Puck,” Finn says softly. “I’m sorry we were fighting, I’m sorry I left.”

 

Puck’s eyes fly open, meeting Finn’s. Puck swears and Finn turns around, thinking someone else must be there. However, there is only Finn and Puck. Puck can see Finn; he can hear Finn.

 

“Fuck you Hudson,” Puck snarls at ghost Finn.

 

“Mmm, wouldn’t that be nice,” Finn smirks sadly.   He walks a little closer to the bed.  

 

Puck struggles to sit up; to move away from Finn.  “Just my luck to be haunted by you.  I can’t escape you can I.”

 

Finn shakes his head.  “I don’t think so.”  He reaches out and touches the side of Puck’s face gently.  

 

Puck leans into the touch, rubbing the side of his face against Finn’s hand.  Finn can’t really feel it, it’s more like he feels the movement of air from Puck moving, but it’s better than never getting to touch Puck again at all.  

 

“Shit, I can almost feel your gigantic hand Finn,” Puck moans.  “Not like before.”

 

“What do you mean not like before?” Finn asks.

 

“Before we got together, when you used to haunt my dreams,” Puck explains.  “Making me want things with you I never thought I’d get to have.  You seem realer now.”

 

Finn swallows the lump in his throat hearing Puck’s confession.  “This is as real as I can be right now.  But I’m here, I’m right here Puck and I’m going to try so hard not to go anywhere.”  Finn watches as Puck’s hand begins to move more quickly again, and Puck relaxes back onto the bed.  Finn knows he’s close, and he leans over and blows on the tip of Puck’s cockhead.  The resulting shiver before Puck starts to come, moaning Finn’s name,  is strangely satisfying.

 

Puck blinks up at Finn.  “Stay.  Stay here with me, forever.  I don’t know how to be without you.”

 

Finn nods, closing his eyes against Puck’s intense gaze.  “I want to, believe me.  I don’t want you to know how to be without me.”

 

 

A couple of weeks after Finn’s death, Blaine comes to New York. Kurt is in bed with Blaine, enjoying a rare chance to be intimate with his fiancé when he feels the bed shift and dip. He looks up, his eyes meeting Finn’s and then widening.

 

“Christ, really?” Finn asks and shields his eyes.

 

Kurt stops and shakes his head; clearly, he is hallucinating.

 

Blaine turns his head; his voice is pitched low and breathy, “Ku-ur-rt.”

 

Kurt looks from Blaine to Finn and back to Blaine with a look that suggests he is crazy.

 

“He can’t see me or hear me Kurt,” Finn says. “I’m pretty sure only you can.”

 

Blaine looks over at where Finn is and then turns back to Kurt. “Kurt, what’s wrong? Why’d you stop?”

 

“Sorry,” Kurt apologizes, his brows furrowing in confusion.

 

Blaine turns back around, moaning obscenely as Kurt resumes.

 

“Well, what do you want?” Kurt asks, looking up at Finn.

 

Of course, Blaine thinks Kurt is speaking to him. “Faster Kurt, fuck.”

 

“Oh, were you talking to me?” Finn asks, laughing. “I dunno dude. I just kinda keep popping up places. Most times people can’t see me, can’t hear me. But you’re not the first.”

 

Kurt pulls one of his hands from Blaine’s hip and motions for Finn to go away.

 

“You’ll be sad when this is all done, and you want to talk to me but I’m gone again.”

 

Kurt closes his eyes; he feels Finn get off the bed. Finn continues to talk to Kurt, his voice coming from over behind Kurt’s left shoulder, probably at his desk chair.

 

“You don’t need to answer me, Kurt,” Finn says. “This is just something I need you to know. I’m here, for you, if you need me. It’s easier for me to see and hear you, but sometimes, like now, you’ll be able to see and hear me too.”

 

Why? Why is this happening? Am I going crazy? Kurt asks in his own head.

 

Somehow, it’s like Finn can hear Kurt’s thoughts. “I don’t have all the answers Kurt. But I don’t think you’re going crazy. I know you were upset with me the last time you saw me; do you want me to come back?”

 

“Yes,” Kurt says to Finn at the same time as he feels Blaine clamp down around him.

 

Kurt shifts his and Blaine’s bodies, pulling them both under the covers, snuggling against Blaine on the bed. He looks up and sees Finn smiling sadly in the corner.

 

“I’m glad you have him,” Finn says, nodding towards where Blaine is already drifting off to sleep. “At least you’re not alone.”

 

Kurt nods, thinking about Puck for the first time since they argued about Finn’s jacket. “I miss you.”

 

“I miss you too, Kurt,” Finn says.

 

 

Opening his eyes after his first visit with Kurt, Finn finds himself sitting with a strange woman. He thinks she is maybe in her late twenties or early thirties, and she is pretty. She is the kind of girl that you look at, and you think she must be really nice.

 

She smiles politely at Finn. “Hello Finn Hudson.”

 

Finn tilts his head to the side, looking at her. “Do I know you?”

 

She is still smiling, but it seems a little sadder now. “No, I suppose you probably don’t. But I know you.”

 

“Do you know my father?” he asks.

 

“Christopher?” she asks. “We’ve met, yes.”

 

Finn can’t stop staring at this woman. He knows it’s rude, but there is something very familiar about her that he just can’t place.

 

“Is something the matter Finn?” she asks.

 

Finn shakes his head. “I’m sorry to stare. It’s just that you remind me of someone. Or maybe we’ve met before? I’m not really sure.”

 

The woman laughs then. Her laugh is musical, and Finn’s eyes immediately widen; he’s pretty sure he knows who she is now.

 

“Mrs. Hummel?” Finn asks softly, even though he is sure he is looking at Kurt’s dead mother. “Are you upset with my mom or Burt about what happened?”

 

“No,” she laughs. “It would have been terribly romantic if Burt had never found anyone else, but I do love to see him happy. And Carole, your mom, she is a good woman, and she makes him happy.” She reaches out and touches Finn’s arm. “Besides, imagine if she was all alone right now; if she didn’t have Burt and Kurt in her life.”

 

Finn feels the tears falling down his face, and he graciously accepts a hug from Mrs. Hummel.

 

“Will you be upset when Rachel moves on,” she asks when Finn pulls away.

 

Finn shakes his head immediately. “We weren’t together in the end; I was seeing someone else. I guess part of me will always have a soft spot for her. I just want her to be happy, to be successful and for all of her dreams to come true.”

 

“Is there anyone that might move on without you that will make you upset?” she asks.

 

Finn starts to shake his head, but there is a gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach like that isn’t quite the right answer.

 

Mrs. Hummel gives Finn a look that makes him swallow deeply.

 

“You look just like Kurt when you do that,” he whispers.

 

Her face quirks into a small sad smile.

 

 

The next morning, Kurt is in the shower, trying not to think about ghost Finn watching him have sex with Blaine. It’s not that he doesn’t want to see Finn, he does miss him. But it can’t possibly be real, and Kurt is beginning to question his sanity.

 

“Thinking about me?” Finn jokes.

 

Kurt pulls back the curtain quickly with one hand; the other still firmly on himself, his eyes bugging out when he sees Finn leaning against the wall.

 

“You left last night,” Kurt says as he pulls the curtain closed again.

 

“Not really,” Finn says. “You just can’t hear me or see me as clearly after the fact.”

 

“After what?”

 

“After what you were doing, are doing, Kurt,” Finn sighs. “Please don’t make me say it.”

 

“No, this isn’t real,” Kurt says, more to himself than to Finn. “I’m losing my mind.”

 

“I wouldn’t call it real exactly,” Finn says, “but you are not losing your mind. I could touch you right now if that might make it feel more believable.”

 

“You want to touch me, right now,” Kurt squeaks.

 

“Well, not exactly. But I could, maybe.”

 

“That doesn’t make sense, Finn,” Kurt says. “You’re dead.”

 

“I’m not sure what I am. I mean I’m dead, but I’m still here and you can see me, and hear me, and feel me sometimes.”

 

“I can’t feel you,” Kurt protests.

 

“I was there Kurt, in my old room, with you and my mom and Burt,” Finn explains. “You were wearing my jacket. You guys hugged. I hugged all of you. I was crying; you wiped at my tears that you shouldn’t have felt. You shivered when I pulled away.”

 

“Oh my God,” Kurt whispers.

 

“Then I tried to make you feel it again, and I held your shoulders to turn you around to look at me, and you did turn. It looked like you saw me for a brief moment. Then you walked right through me. It was the most intense feeling of pressure I’ve ever felt.”

 

“Jesus Finn,” Kurt says. “What’s going on here with us?”

 

“Sorry Kurt, I don’t have many answers.”

 

“By the way,” Kurt says, “I’m not thinking about you in here. I’m thinking about Blaine. And I wouldn’t even be doing that except you told me I had to. And if I find out that you’re messing with me, Finn Hudson, I will kill you.”

 

Finn laughs, “whatever you say Dude.”

 

“I’m not thinking about you, or not that you’ll know,” Kurt thinks.  “This is crazy; I’m losing my mind, slowly. Imaging Finn while I have sex with Blaine; imagining him while I’m in the shower. Having his want to touch me, of course this is some sort of hallucination.  Finn would NEVER suggest something like that.”

 

Finn chuckles.  “Never say never Kurt.  I mean you probably thought I’d never like guys either, but I was having a really good time with Puck before this whole mess started.”  Kurt listens to him continuing to chuckle at the continuous squeaks from Kurt’s side of the shower curtain.  “It’s not like I want to touch you that way.  It’s that I want you to know I’m here and this is some sort of quasi-real thing.”

 

“How can it be real Finn?” Kurt sobs, his voice broken.  

 

“I don’t know exactly,” Finn says.

 

Kurt hears the shower curtain being slightly pulled back and then feels a large hand on his shoulder.  Kurt doesn’t turn to look; he tries not to focus on the touch he can barely feel but has been craving.  Instead, he pumps his cock another two times before he comes all over his fist with a shout of Blaine’s name.  

 

When Kurt steps out of the shower, Finn is gone again.  He sighs as he towels himself off and runs some product through his hair.  He’s applying moisturizer to his skin when Blaine knocks on the bathroom door.

 

“Kurt, honey, open up.”

 

Kurt opens the door, and Blaine shuffles in.

 

“I thought I heard you talking in the shower,” Blaine says.

 

“I was probably singing,” Kurt replies.  He continues to rub moisturizer into his skin.

 

“No, it sounded like talking, not singing,” Blaine probes.

 

Kurt shrugs. “Sometimes I talk out loud to my mom.”

 

“In the shower?”

 

“Sure, why not?” Kurt asks.   “I’m relaxed, and I can focus on what’s bothering me, and it’s a little easier to be honest and actually say things out loud. Especially since I don’t expect people to be listening.”  He glances pointedly in Blaine’s direction.

 

Blaine smiles sadly. “That kind of makes sense actually.” He leans in and kisses Kurt’s cheek before leaving the bathroom again.

 

 

After that visit with Kurt and Blaine, Finn is sitting with Mrs. Hummel.

 

“You’ve been around, like this, longer than I have. And you seem to know better than I do, what is going on.”

 

She nods

 

“Do you think Kurt loves Blaine? That he should marry Blaine?”

 

“Blaine is enthusiastic and passionate,” Mrs. Hummel says fairly.  “I don’t doubt that he loves Kurt. And I don’t think many things in Kurt’s life have been either enthusiastic or passionate.” She pauses and looks at Finn; the gaze making him feel very warm, and he swears he feels himself blush. “Do you think he should marry Blaine?”

 

“If he’s happy, if it’s what he really wants, then sure,” Finn says.  “I mean I was there when he first met Blaine. And it was obvious how much Kurt was into him. And Blaine was either oblivious or it took him a while to figure out how amazing Kurt is; I never really figured out which it was to be honest. But once they got together, I don’t know, I mean sometimes sure, I could see that yeah Blaine meant a lot to Kurt. But maybe not all the time? Not as much as I would have thought. That night, the night I died, I asked Kurt, and I mean he said yes, but, I don’t know. It’s just a feeling I get.”

 

“Are you saying you don’t think Blaine is what Kurt wants?” She reaches out and touches Finn’s hand gently.

 

“I don’t know!” Finn exclaims as he shakes his head. “I just don’t want him to feel like he has to settle, like he has no other options. He should be with someone who knows how amazing he is. Who knows all the little things, all the silly things that a lot of people don’t know about Kurt Hummel.”

 

“You don’t think Blaine knows that? Doesn’t know Kurt that well?”

 

“No, I think he does,” Finn concedes.  “But at the same time, Kurt deserves to be with someone that he knows equally well. He should know all their annoying quirks and the worst parts of themselves and still, somehow love them for it. I’m not sure that’s how he feels about Blaine. I mean how he can love Blaine’s insecurity when it’s lead them astray before and crushed him so deeply?”

 

Mrs Hummel nods her head. “That’s really a beautiful thought, Finn.”

 

Finn smiles at her praise, he feels alight with it. “I mean, it’s kind of like with me. I never got what he saw in me back then. I wasn’t especially great to him. Sure, I was better than most, but I in no way treated him the way he deserved to be treated, the way ANYONE deserves to be treated. But he liked me anyway, even with my faults.”

 

“You got past all of that though,” she says gently. “You got to know him and you boys became brothers, friends.”

 

“But I still wasn’t great at it,” Finn admits sadly. “Sure again, it was better, but I could have been better. A lot of times I knew I should have been better for him. But he was still my friend, and he still had my back like a true brother. Even when I left wet towels and stinky socks around. Even if I drank straight from the milk carton. And especially when he spent all night studying with me for my exams, and not his own. One of the last things he said to me was, even if he hated me at that moment, he still loved me.”

 

Finn looks at her, the way she is studying his face.

 

“I’m just not sure he feels that way about Blaine.”

 

“You think he should feel for Blaine more like how he felt for you?” Mrs. Hummel asks.

 

Finn grimaces. “It sounds bad when you say it like that, but yeah, maybe?”

 

Mrs Hummel takes a deep breath and exhales it slowly. Her eyes are  filled with an emotion Finn doesn’t recognize. “I’m not sure Kurt will ever feel that way about anyone else.”

 

Finn’s brows furrowed as he thought about what she was saying.  When the words finally register with him, and he looks up, Mrs. Hummel is gone.

 

 

Kurt still thinks he is going insane; almost every time he is intimate with Blaine, and every time he masturbates, he hallucinates seeing Finn.  To make matters worse, he talks to the hallucination of Finn as if he’s real.  Kurt  starts to blame it on the wedding planning, but the truth is, they’ve hardly started.  Kurt’s heart just isn’t into it.

 

One night Blaine wakes up and hears Kurt talking to Finn while he masturbates. Kurt tries to explain it away by saying he was sleeping and not really knowing what he was doing; like sleep walking and talking.  The look of pity on Blaine’s face does nothing to assuage Kurt of the guilt he feels.  Even his fiancé thinks he’s losing his mind.  

 

The next time Finn shows up though, things fall apart in a way Kurt has almost been anticipating since the engagement party.  Kurt is laying back on the bed while Blaine is between his legs, swallowing and sucking him down as much as he can.  Kurt watches as Finn stretches out beside him, his eyes trying hard not to look at what Blaine is doing, but rather, to stay up on Kurt’s face.

 

“I like it better when I show up, and you’re fucking Blaine, or you’ve got your hand on yourself,” Finn says.  

 

Kurt tries not to laugh at the absurdity of it.  

 

“You just seem more coherent then,” Finn explains.  “I feel our connection is stronger.”  Finn’s head swivels for a second to Blaine, and then back up to Kurt.  “He must be very good at that.  I wonder if he’s better than Puck is.  Puck is good, but he always said I was better, something about my largemouth like the rest of me.  I just don’t understand how he can know that I’m better than he is at that.”

 

“I-wha-you,” Kurt sputters.  The thought of Finn though blowing Puck, the thought that Finn is good at that, the thought of Finn’s largemouth and his other large parts, is too many thoughts for Kurt.  He calls out Finn’s name as he comes into Blaine’s mouth.

 

Kurt panics immediately, his eyes darting first to Finn who is smirking just a little more than he should be Kurt thinks.  Then he looks down at Blaine, who is looking up at him wide eyed, the pain evident.  He’s a trooper though and doesn’t stop, continuing to swallow all Kurt has to offer and then licking up any remaining remnants.  

 

Blaine pulls off of Kurt and sits back on his knees, and Kurt notices that for the first time, Blaine is not hard himself after pleasuring Kurt that way.  Not that Kurt can blame him, but that physical response of Blaine’s body has him feeling guilty.

 

“Kurt,” Blaine says softly as he wipes at his mouth with the back of his hand.  “You said Fi-”

 

“I’m well aware of what I said,” Kurt snaps.  And the pained look on Blaine’s face makes him cringe.  “I’m sorry- but yes, I know what I said.”

 

“Are you- are you in love with him?” Blaine shakes his head.  “All this time, have you still be in love with him?”

 

Kurt shakes his head, tears welling up in his eyes, he looks over at Finn, who is fading fast.  

 

“I’m sorry Kurt,” Finn says.  “I never meant to cause you more pain.  I’m so sorry.”

 

Kurt reaches out, even though he knows Blaine’s eyes are on him, but all he feels is the empty spot beside him.  “I love you,” Kurt says sadly.  “But right now, it just doesn’t seem like enough.  I miss him.  I miss him so much, all the time.  And I feel like next to no one can understand just how much.”

 

“I- I’ve always been here,” Blaine says.  “I know how much you miss him.  We all miss him. “

“No- no,”  Kurt says sadly.  “I know you can sympathize, I know you lost a friend- like I did.  But I also lost my brother.  I lost another part of my family.  Once Carole married my dad, it was easy to let go of my crush because I didn’t think I’d ever have to live without him.”

 

“And now you do,” Blaine says.

 

“I do, and I don’t know how to, and sometimes, I don’t want to.”

 

“You were talking to him while you were masturbating the other night; you called his name out when you came just now.  I - I can’t be your Finn substitute, Kurt.  It’s not fair.”

 

“I know, I know,” Kurt sobs.  “It’s not fair, and you’re not, really.  But I can’t let him go Blaine.  I don’t want him out of my head.  Not when there is already a gigantic Finn sized hole in my heart.”

 

Blaine nods, tears flowing freely down his cheeks. “I think it’s for the best of we put the engagement on hold.  Right now, you need to focus on you, and who you are, who you want to be in your life after Finn.  I can’t stay, like this because I’ll start to resent things, us.  And I don’t want that.  I love you.”

 

“I love you too,” Kurt agrees.  “You’re probably right, about all of that.  I just don’t know where to begin, how to start.  But if nothing else, I think I need some time away from everything; from everyone.”  

 

 

When Finn finds himself back in Lima in Mr Schue’s apartment, he isn’t sure why he was there.  Finn wishes he had his dad or Kurt’s mom with him to explain.  But instead there is just a silent hooded figure that is shadowing him.  Finn hasn’t been back to Lima for quite some time, with all the time he’s been spending with Puck and Kurt.  Ms. Pils--Mrs. Schue--Emma comes into the room where Will is, where Finn is, and she’s holding Finn’s jacket.  

 

“It’s time Will,” she says softly. “You should send this back to them.”

 

“ I’ll take it by the garage in the morning,” Will agrees.

 

“No, you should send it to Santana and Kurt,” Emma says. “Let them decide. Besides, we’re going to have our very own little Finn and a constant reminder of him around here very soon.”

 

Will smiles softly and leans in to kiss his wife.  As he takes the jacket from her, Finn notices her round and protruding belly.

 

“Holy crap!” Finn exclaims grabbing the silently hooded figure by the arm.   “Mrs Schue is pregnant.  She’s having a baby.  They know they’re having a boy? They’re naming their son after me?” He asks.

 

The hooded figure nods and grunts his agreement.

 

“Wow,” Finn sighs. “I’m so happy for them.”

 

 

When Finn Hudson’s letterman jacket arrives at the loft in New York with an apology note from Mr. Schue, Santana gives the jacket to Kurt because of his break up with Blaine.  Kurt is really feeling  lost after the break up;  he is depressed,  he doesn’t really pleasure himself very much, so Finn doesn’t even get to talk to him much, although he is there.  Finn does still see him.  Finn tries to figure out how to help Kurt.

 

The hooded figure, still not speaking, tries to show Finn the solution. He keeps gesturing to the jacket.  But Finn doesn’t understand how the jacket can help.

 

Then, one night, Kurt puts the jacket on the pillow beside him and tries to inhale the scent, hoping it still smells like Finn.   But it doesn’t, not really. He begins to sob and starts thinking of Finn. And even though Kurt doesn’t pleasure himself, his emotional state, and the fact that he is explicitly thinking of Finn, helps Finn bridge the gap between them.

 

Finn lays down on the bed beside Kurt, laying his head on the pillow with the jacket on it.   “Why didn’t you think Puck deserved the jacket?  Why’d you end up giving it to Santana?”

 

Kurt looks up and smiles brightly when he sees Finn.  “I wanted that jacket, for me.  I’d always wanted it.  I didn’t get a jacket during my short time with the team, and I didn’t expect one, but I did want one.  I did always want yours.”

 

Kurt sighed.  “But Puck already has a McKinley Jacket and I don’t. Plus in the end, he had you.” Kurt sobs.  “He had you and I didn’t.”

 

Finn leans over Kurt and hugs him.

 

“Please?” Kurt asks softly while Finn is hugging him.  Kurt stretches up and gently brushes his lips against Finn’s.

 

Instinctively, Finn closes his eyes before he remembers that when he opens them again, he’ll be gone.

 

Kurt watches Finn disappear in front of him after he kisses him, and he cries. “Come back, Finn, please.  Come back.”

 

 

Kurt decides that maybe Puck should have the jacket after all.   Also, if anyone is going to believe him, about seeing Finn, it might be Puck. Or at the very least, Puck is going to tell him he’s lost his fucking mind.  So Kurt travels to San Antonio Texas, where Puck is going through boot camp.  Finn and the silent hooded figure are there also.

 

“When the jacket was returned, I thought a lot about who should have it now.  Santana thinks it should be me, not her, but I think you were right all along,” Kurt says.  “I think you should have it.  Something to remember him by.  Everyone knows you were his best friend-- and I know you were more than that.”  Kurt sighs.  “You probably never even got a chance to be real with each other, about how you felt.  It was obvious to me though; even that one time.  And I know-- I know he’d want you to have it.”  Although he wants to,  Kurt can’t get it out; he can’t tell Puck he’s been hallucinating about Finn. It keeps getting caught in his throat.

 

“Oh- I-- wow.  Thanks, I think,” Puck says.  “But maybe I never really needed it either.  Not to remember him by-- I mean how am I ever going to forget him?  And while football was a big part of our friendship, I already have one McKinley football jacket.”  Puck shakes his head.  “There would never be anything that would represent that other part of us.  Because you’re right, we barely even had a chance, and we sure didn’t waste time talking about it.”   Puck puts a hand on Kurt’s knee.  “I think he’d be happy if you kept it.  That whole superman bit--he’d get such a kick out of that.”    Puck wants Finn to show up though right now, wants Finn to see Kurt.   He thinks maybe he can help them say goodbye to each other in  some way. But the only surefire way he knows to get Finn to show up is to masturbate; Puck’s not about to do that with Kurt right there.

 

Kurt begins crying.  “Blaine and I broke up.  Maybe we were too young to get married.  Maybe I didn’t really love Blaine, I don’t know.  But it’s been rough since Finn’s death.”  Kurt takes a deep breath.  “Maybe I’m always going to be a little bit in love with my dead step-brother.  I don’t know what the worst part of that is that I still feel that way for Finn after all this time, that Finn is dead, or that we never got to say goodbye.”

 

Puck surges forward,  kissing Kurt on the lips.  

 

The moment Puck’s lips land  on Kurt’s he knows Finn is there.  He begins to sob.  “Puck, Puck -- I need- I need to tell you something.”

 

 The silent hooded figure pushes Finn towards Puck and Kurt.  Finn suddenly feels very different.   Maybe this has been what he was supposed to be doing all along.   Finn focuses, tries to remember that as long as he can keep his eyes open, he will there with them.  They can touch him; he can touch them, they can hear and see him, he can hear and see them.  There are no words though, as they pull him into an embrace, each kissing him, touching him, not wanting to let him go.

 

 

When Finn wakes up, he is in bed with Puck.   He stretches and looks over at Puck, smiling at him.  He looks to his other side, and when it’s empty, he sits up, looking for Kurt.   “Where’s Kurt?” Finn asks.

 

“Thanks for wondering where someone else is when waking up in bed with me jackass,” Puck teases.  He half-heartedly  slaps at Finn’s chest. “He’s probably waking up similarly with Blaine.”

 

“With Blaine?” Finn asks, confused.  “Wait- what?” Finn remembers being with Puck and Kurt both, and although he’s not sure why,  nothing has never felt so right.

“Remember, the engagement party last night?  Kurt found us, together, in the cold room?” Puck asked.  “Then you and Kurt had a fight and we left.”

 

“Wow, yeah okay,”  Finn says.  “I just had a very strange dream I guess, because that party feels like it was months ago.”

 

“Don’t forget you’re going out for brunch with Kurt and your parents this morning too,” Puck says.  “Did you want me to tag along since you and Kurt are fighting?”

 

“No,” Finn says.  “Blaine’s not coming-- it’s just a family thing.  And maybe Kurt will be in a better mood if he doesn’t have a reminder of us.”  Finn gestured between himself and Puck.  

 

 

After a civil brunch with their parents, Finn suggests he and Kurt take a walk and talk about the night before.  Kurt agrees.  They walk in silence over to a near by park and Finn sits down on a bench, where Kurt joins him.  

 

“Why are you marrying Blaine?” Finn asks.  “I just get the feeling that it’s not a good idea.”

 

“What--why?” Kurt asks.  

 

“I just can’t explain it Kurt,” Finn says.

 

“This is just payback for me objecting to you marrying Rachel,” Kurt argues.  “So what’s going on with Puck?”

 

“What about him?”

 

“C’mon Finn,” Kurt said.   “I told you I’d wait until you were ready to talk about it, but I’m going back to New York in a couple of days and I’d rather have this conversation with you in person.”

 

“You want to know about me and Puck”

 

“Yes,” Kurt agreed.  “I was fortunate enough to catch the two of you grinding up against each other in the cold room last night.”

 

Finn has the tact to grimace a little. “Sorry about that.”

 

“I’m kind of surprised and yet not at all,” Kurt confesses. “I mean if you were going to be with any guy it kinda makes sense that it’s Puck I guess. Just, and god I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with you Finn, but please be safe.”

 

Finn’s eyes widen. “Oh god, yeah, so not the conversation I pictured us having today.”

 

“So how long have you guys been together?” Kurt asks.  

 

“A while?” Finn answers.   “It’s not like it was something we planned on, it just kinda happened and now we’re,” Finn kinda stopped and smiled, “we’re happy dude.”

 

Kurt smiles. “I’m happy for you. You do seem genuinely happy.”

 

“That’s all I want for you too, Kurt.”

 

Kurt smiles, “I am too. I’m engaged, Finn. Blaine loves me; he makes me feel safe.”

 

“But do you love him?” Finn asks.

 

“What kind of question is that, Finn?”

 

“An honest one?” Finn says. “C’mon Kurt, I was there when you guys split up. I know I wasn’t there for you like I should have been. And maybe it was because I was here in Lima with Blaine and you were in New York with Rach, I don’t know. But I don’t want to see you like that again Kurt.”

 

“It’s not going to happen again Finn,” Kurt explains.  “He’s not going to do that to me again.”

 

“Then tell me you love him, that you trust him.”

 

“Of course I do. I love him,” Kurt says.

 

“Tell me you are in love with him; tell me he’s more than just your best friend and a safe bet.”

 

Kurt sighed deeply.  “Oh, that’s rich coming from you. Is that all Puck is to you?”

 

“What?” Finn asks.  “No. I mean I don’t know if we’re in love or anything, but we’re good dude.”

 

“And so are Blaine and I, and I don’t understand why you can’t seem to understand that,” Kurt explains.

 

“Because I know you, Kurt. And I can’t help but feel like you are settling.”

 

“Oh yes,” Kurt says.   “I am settling because I have so many choices romantically. I’m not you Finn; not everyone loves me.”

 

Something suddenly clicks for Finn.  He grabs Kurt’s face in his hands and crushes their lips together.

 

At first, Kurt returns the kiss, eagerly, but then he puts his hands on Finn’s chest and pushes him away forcibly. “What the hell, Finn?!”

 

“You deserve that,” Finn says simply.

 

“What, to have yet another stupid jock to kiss me against my will? For you to make me cheat on my fiance?”

 

Finn grabs Kurt’s hands and puts them over his chest, over his heart.  “To be loved. Don’t you get it Kurt? I love you. And I’m pretty sure you love me too.”

 

Kurt throws his hands in the air.  “Of course I do Finn, you’re my brother. But you’re pissing me off at the moment.”

 

Finn shakes his head.  “No, I’m in love with you. I want to be with you.”

 

Kurt stares at  Finn, eyes wide, unbelieving. “No. You’re with Puck. I'm with Blaine. I love Blaine and for some reason you don’t want me to be happy.”

 

“You won’t be happy with him, not like you’d be with me,” Finn states simply.

 

“Think highly of yourself much?” Kurt asked

.

“C’mon Kurt. I know if you just let yourself really think about it, really open yourself to feeling it, you know it’s true.”

 

Kurt is silent for a long time. The longer he is silent, the more Finn worries.

 

“What about Puck,” Kurt whispers.

 

“Do you trust me?” Finn asks.

 

Kurt stares at Finn.

 

“Ouch, dude. You know I trust you more than anyone else in the world.”

 

It isn’t a line, but Finn knows he has Kurt as his expression softened. “Of course I trust you, Finn.”

 

“Then, let’s get out of here.”

 

 

Finn takes Kurt back to the dorm where Puck is. Finn kisses Puck, fisting his shirt with one hand,  while holding Kurt’s hand with the other. Kurt kind of squeaks in protest but when Finn and Puck break from the kiss Kurt is blushing.

 

Finn rests his forehead against Puck’s.  “Do you trust me?”

 

“Of course I do,” Puck scoffs.

 

Finn releases Pucks shirt and grabs his hand, holding it with his own, against Puck’s chest over his heart. He tugs Kurt closer with his other hand, looking deeply into his eyes. He releases his grip on Kurt and reaches up to cup his cheek before he brings his lips down over Kurt’s. Finn pours everything he can into that kiss. Not just for Kurt but for Puck also. The result is that he and Kurt end up a little breathless, kind of slumped against each other.

 

“Whoa,” Puck breathes, as they break apart. His eyes are wide and dark. “That--that,” he shakes his head. “I’m not sure I’m supposed to be this turned on by watching my boyfriend mack on some other dude. Especially not one he mostly refers to as his brother.”

 

Kurt laughs; it sounds a little like a funny kind of jingle.  “And how many times has Finn called you ‘bro’ or called you his brother from another mother?”

 

Puck gapes before smirks slyly. “Point Hummel,” he acknowledges as Finn chuckles darkly.

 

Finn looks at Kurt, “still trust me?”

 

Kurt nods.

 

“Kiss him now,” Finn gestures towards Puck.

 

Kurts eyes go wide, and he takes a step back, shaking his head. “I-- I, what?”

 

“He wants you to,” Finn says. “He’s told me before, on more than one occasion that you’re beautiful, and he’d…well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves yet.”

 

Kurt blushes but he is staring at Puck.

 

Puck shrugs. “ ‘S true. I might have said it in hopes of getting Finn to realize he liked guys and that I was available for a test run. ‘Cause I’ve always known he had it bad for you.”  Finn whacks at Puck’s chest playfully. “Doesn’t make the fact that you’re beautiful any less true though,” Puck concedes.

 

Kurt takes a small, hesitating step towards Puck, his face breaking into a soft smile. He takes another, larger step, right into Puck’s personal space. He reaches for Puck’s face and pulls their lips together.

 

As soon as Kurt initiates the kiss and relaxes slightly, Puck takes over, his hands first finding Kurt’s hips and pulling him snug against Puck, and then migrating to his ass. Puck takes control of the kiss and deepens it immediately, and Finn watches as Kurt’s eyes first flicker open in surprise and then roll back into his head, before slipping closed again. Finn hears a delicious moan that he doesn’t recognize as one of Puck’s usual sounds and realizes it must have been Kurt’s.

 

Puck and Kurt break apart.  Puck leans against Finn.  Kurt looks from Finn to Puck and then back to Finn.   “I need--I need to go.  I have things I need to do, stuff to take care of.”

 

“If you need any help, with anything,” Finn offers.

 

Kurt nods.  “I know, but this is something I should handle on my own.  But I’ll call you; keep you updated.”

 

“We’d like that,” Puck said.   

 

 

If Kurt is honest with himself, breaking off the engagement with Blaine had been easier than he anticipated.  In the end, he has no shortage of reasons, but the main one, is that he just isn’t in love with Blaine anymore.  He loves Blaine; he probably always will, but he isn’t in love with him.  Kurt doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with him.  Blaine is understanding.  He too realizes that at some point it became about getting Kurt back.  They’ve both grown during their time apart, and that has resulted in them growing apart.  Blaine knows it; and so does Kurt.  Blaine ends up encouraging Kurt to keep the ring-- it’s his style, it has his initials and Kurt did like it very much.  Kurt can’t believe how clean the break up ends up being.

 

Kurt looks down at his hand and see’s the band on his finger glint in the setting sunlight streaming through the windows.  He pulls it off his finger and puts it ion top of the dresser.

 

“Are you okay?” the voice behind him asks.  

  
Kurt nods; turning to find both Finn and Puck standing there waiting for him.  “Yeah, I am now.”


End file.
